About Kendal

The Death of a Hummingbird

Halfway into my 15-year career in higher education, I came home from work late one evening to find that a hummingbird had flown through an open door in our sunroom and broken its neck on a window. I was shaken deeply, upset by the sight of a magnificent creature whose life was cut short because of the illusion created by the windows.  This illusion of openness/safety, in combination with the hummingbird's speed, caused its death. The metaphor wasn't lost on me; I too was moving through life quickly (with "busy-ness"), believing in the illusion of the safety of a rewarding but demanding job. 

Though I consciously recognized a connection between the hummingbird and myself, I didn’t know what or how to change my life. Everything was going well, except for the exhaustion I felt daily. Though the challenges of adult life – career, mortgage, marriage, motherhood, etc. – were very real, I genuinely loved my work and my colleagues. I enjoyed higher education and felt a sense of pride and purpose in all that we were collectively creating. We were transforming lives! Why would I change my direction and walk away from a rewarding career just because a hummingbird broke its neck on our sunroom window? The exhaustion, I reasoned, was simply the reality of “adulting” – and something to learn to accept, not overcome. But there was always a nagging question – was the hummingbird an extension of me in some way? The answer would come years later, in the form of illness.

Soul Dis-Integration 

As the years rolled by, I poured myself into my work. I was committed to giving 150% to my job – to the students, to my colleagues, and to the vision that we were creating. I was successful and gained increasing levels of responsibility and experience. I loved achieving, not for the sake of achievement, but to make a difference in the world. It was this drive to make a difference, and to work with like-minded people, that lured me into work addiction. Eventually, everything else became secondary to my work: my health, my relationships, my hobbies, my leisure time, and my spiritual life. This led to an overriding sense of burdened responsibility. I felt like everything was “up to me,” and that the only solution was uninterrupted hard work (usually involving sleep deprivation). This often resulted in:

· Struggling to trust in something larger than myself, 

· Feelings of anxiety that prevented deep, relaxed connection to others, 

· Depending on work accomplishments for my sense of meaning/purpose, 

· Navigating professional challenges with diminished emotional resilience and flexibility,

· Feeling regularly disconnected from deep joy & awe in the world around me . . . 

a sign of dis-integration between my personality and Soul.

Illness As Awakening

And then unexpectedly, I developed random, painful physical symptoms that led to a diagnosis of multiple autoimmune diseases, some of which could be fatal. After 15 years in higher education, I was forced to re-evaluate my choices: maintain my current priorities or change them. I remembered the hummingbird and realized the question had already been answered years before. I would end up like the hummingbird in my sunroom unless I changed my lifestyle. I resigned and reprioritized.